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I am detached from who I once was, and I would much rather be more like I was than what I am.

I neglect the fuck out of this space I set aside to try to reconnect with those parts of myself which I never engage. I want to get back to being a music playing, distance running, delusional little wannabe writer. I'd even like to be a student again. The last time my life made sense to me was when I was still an undergrad. School makes sense to me, but I never figured out what to do next and it's been a damn decade.

It's so odd that the only time I bother to come back here and spend any time typing out the thoughts I'm trying to unravel it ends up a repeat of themes touched on years ago. I'm not so blind as to miss the fact that I've been contending with the same issues for an absurd amount of time with no resolution. I'm no closer to knowing what the hell to do to pay my bills without being miserable, I'm not consistently engaged in any creative or mentally stimulating activities, I'm not close to any goal I have ever envisioned for myself.

I'm not happy, but I'm not so unhappy that I have been compelled to change any of the things I know I have to. Easier to go with the flow, embrace the comforting simplicity of routine, rather than accepting the challenge of making the efforts needed for something better.

Maybe if I were to compose my thoughts more regularly, or find someone with whom to share them earnestly, these entries wouldn't be so repetitive and "I" centric.

I'd love to blame all this shit on having dealt with some serious emotional damage in my mid-twenties, or some difficulty in my formative years, the reality is I've always been eager to accept things as they are and eschew the unknown in favor of familiarity. Far be it from me to give up a reasonably comfortable if deeply unfulfilling life for the pursuit of something potentially more satisfying.

In short I'm unmotivated and aimless, probably a bit lazy, and in no small part scared of doing any of the things I know need be done to get out of this life I don't want to be living.